Home has always been a resting place for me. For many, that means a cup of coffee or tea, under a fuzzy blanket, and a lovely book to read. But for me, I don’t mean a physical place. It's been almost 10 years ago, I began traveling on various different worship teams and bands, leading worship in different countries and across the U.S. My suitcase was constantly filled and sorted through. The washing machine was only used the brief moments I spent at home. My family barely saw me, but they knew I loved them. The past 3 years have intensified this reality for me, except that now, my life's emphasis is entirely different. Below I want to share some thoughts, fears, and struggles I've been walking through and how I've found meaning in the crazy. Vulnerability is everything, because maybe I might inspire courage in you while you read it. :)
“When are you going to settle down? Aren’t you going to get married and settle down? Maybe you just need to find someone who will help you with that.” I’d get those comments a lot. Then I’d also get the very unwanted ones like, “Maybe you’re not ready to get married. Oh, you’re young! You’ve got plenty of years ahead of you. He’s coming, don’t worry!” All the solutions, labels or names so many have tried to place on me and none have succeeded in any of them. I’ve been called a vagabond and a nomad before. I’ve been mistaken for one who has no peace, because I go from place to place. I laugh, because no one really knows unless they're in my shoes.
I wonder if anyone ever asked Jesus these questions or tried to place these labels on Him.
In today’s society, settling down and meeting the standards of this culture seems all very important. But what if I don’t want to be a part of today’s culture and society? What if I want to be different? What if I want it to be different? What if today’s standard is just another prison we’ve made for ourselves to keep us from facing our fears of failure or of success?
“Why don’t you get a real job then?” I’ve been both asked and told when faced with the pressing bills needing to be paid. As if having 3 jobs weren’t enough or weren’t qualified as “real” jobs. What is a real job anyway? Working full-time or the one that makes enough to pay the bills? Is paying bills what life is really about? What if having a “real” job keeps me from living life to fullest? Laugh all you like at the previous question, but working 3 jobs that I love and having to navigate moments when it’s tight is much more appealing than working a “real” full-time job that I don’t like and where I feel I like my heart is dying by the end of the week. Working part-time has been the best thing for my emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Does that mean I’m lazy? Nope. I work harder and more than I ever have. But it’s on the things that matter the most in life.
Home. I just sighed at that word.
Home isn’t a place, nor a house, nor a plot of land. Home is my family. Both related and not related. I have friends across the country that are my family, we just don’t share the same parents. Home is a resting place for me. Home is worth fighting for. It’s worth having a part-time job so I can take watch my sister’s kids when they need a vacation and so I can help my dad on the farm. So I can see and experience beauty on a hike in Oregon with Andrea or eat Chinese food on mountain tops in California with Devon. Making music in the studio with Aaron and Jen or talking to a complete stranger about their life story. And there are definitely others that are so dear to my heart like this. To me, home looks more like a face than a place. I just had to sell everything I had to understand that. Whether that’s my family, friends, or even the face of God… home is a space within someone’s heart that somehow you’ve won that you know is entirely irreplaceable, inescapable, and undeniable.
And to the one I get to spend the rest of my life with, your face is worth waiting for. I’ve prayed a lot, I’ve waited a lot, and I know you’re worth it. Meeting you will be one of the best days of my life. I can't wait. Hurrying up wouldn't be so bad either. ;)
And to one who completely understands the above… you’re not alone.
To the one named nomad…
Many traded risk for comfort and really living for safety. It’s okay to be brave and to struggle. It's okay to question if you're doing the right thing. Success isn’t about completing the process, but embracing it with hope. One day, they’ll understand it all. And if they don't, that's okay, too. Right now, we’re just small plants waiting to bloom. And when we do, it’ll be higher than any one imagined. For now, remain accessible to God’s activity and His heart. Watch Him bring the increase in the right time. Only you get to decide what is worth fighting for, only you determine your values. Don't let another manage your hope levels or what you hope for. Know what you're hoping for and pray and believe hard after it. No one else can manage that, but you. You have the passion to continue to do so. You have the gumption, initiative, and the tenacity. Here's to the one that believes they can make a difference by being different, the ones that dare to dream bigger and push the limits of what's possible. Your life is worth it and you're not alone.